Looks like I'm handing out the baps tonight. Some of those baps are going to be bibbity. Some are going to be boppity, and some if she’s unlucky are going to be skippity.
I walk along the shadows of the alleyways where the humans put out their garbage filled with meaty scraps in greasy empty paper. The smell pulled me in most likely because I had been fed food from a can for a long time, but not a season at least. The air was still cool and it wasn’t time for winter yet, to hide way below. My whiskers twitched a bit. I could finally pick up the scent of home, my place and my kingdom—I’d never stray again.
I stopped to lick my paw and my heart sank a bit—my talons had been ripped from me from the humans in their whites and brights. I’ll deliver some baps on them too, but not tonight.
I have those baps all stored up for Mittens.
Mittens the Betrayer. Stinky Mittens. Mittens the Liar.
I turned the corner and saw the long length of my home, the alley between the one bright red place humans eat and the one bright blue place humans drink. It’s been mine forever. My brethren come and go, and I tell them all the secrets—which trash can is the best and what food to avoid (so spicy, so hot, so much water, so many tears). I show them where to get clean water and where to hide in the winter. What dumpsters to avoid and ones that are safe to explore. All of it is mine to share, but all of it is mine.
There she is, that fat little waste of fur.
She is sitting on my favorite can, licking her paws unaware that her brief time as mistress of the alley has come to an end.
I slink closer to her, crouching down and then moving in bursts of quick speed. I know where the creaks that would give me away and move past them. I leap up on the fence and move into my silent crawl. She can’t see me—she’s still too busy licking off the icing from her paws. Dessert? This early? Shame on you, Mittens. I focus all my attention on her right ear, and get ready to pounce.
I hear a warning cry from another cat and my stealthy ploy is gone. The snitch, Calico, catches my glare and quickly scampers off—but I’ll remember. A bippity is coming your way, Calico.
Mittens turns and leaps at me, almost bapping me in the face. I deliver two front bips to her ugly mug and one bap to her lower back.
I do a quick jump-up-turn-around off the blue food dumpster, leaping up and turning and pushing off. I throw two bippities at her face to catch her by surprise. She manages one clumsy swipe and her claws nearly slice into my whiskers. I forgot that the man with the net and the whites and brights have never gotten her. Bitch.
I throw her some harsh skippites, but she manages to dodge her fat head around them. She knows she’s supposed to and go back to her little sad alley down the block, the one that is filled with all the sweet smells. Have at it. But no, she wants to be the boss here.
Fine. You want to stay, great. You can stay.
I jump on the spicy dumpster, the one that is rusty and leaks the red water all year. Mittens leaps up and shows me her claws without an ounce of subtlety. She hisses at me and makes a promise of scratches and tears. My slaps can’t compete with her claws.
So I do the only thing I can.
I roll over and show her my belly and start to purr. She tilts her ball-toy head and then gives a grin of satisfaction. Mittens lifts her paw to pat me on the belly, and accept my defeat. And as soon as she starts to lower it, I leap up, and kick her with my back paws. She doesn’t fly as much as she rolls and I jump on her, shoving her down a hole in the dumpster. One, two, three pounces is all it takes and I hear her scream and shriek, unable to find her footing to get out. And I know little miss frosting can’t leap out, but I drag some trash over the hole anyways.
She’ll have to dine on spicy food with no water until the man with the net comes or the garbage gets emptied. Her screaming quickly turns to a pleading mewing and I get on with my day.
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